Shadow and Light

-

Shadows and Light

We have now been dealing with the spread of COVID-19 for almost a month. Its been around longer than that, but it didn't become an issue in America until February. By the start of March, as cases began exploding, and the public saw this virus come to our door step, we realized this would be far worse than SARS and MERS. My last day in office was March 11th. The week before, as I realized how infectious COVID-19 is, I had a day that I went home early, and the next day I worked from Home. The week I moved to work from home, and where I am still at, I tried to be brave and go into the office for the Tuesday and Wednesday, but finally on Wednesday the fear overwhelmed me, and I left to go pick up my husband from work early. Being around others, and their possible infection of this virus sent me into a panic attack. I had to pull over into a parking lot to calm down. This was made worse by people in the building not covering their mouths and noses when coughing and sneezing. They were polluting the air around them as they walked around with no care of others. Were they being malicious? No. Just thoughtless. Basic hygiene is something that eludes many. 

Why is this such a big deal for me? I am Diabetic. Additionally I have Fibromyalgia. I have pre-existing conditions that mean that if I were to get this, I would very likely die. 

This world is full of shadows and light. This feels like we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I am trying to be brave, but any time I come into contact with others, even my own family, I struggle and wonder, if they have been anywhere, did they pick up COVID-19, and are they going to infect me. Sometimes the fear is overwhelming. I am a follower of Christ. I should be at peace with dying. This is a daily battle ground for me. What I know and believe to be true about Jesus, and His sufficiency and plan for me is battling with my emotions. Some days I walk victorious in my faith, and other days...not so much. I am so glad my salvation is not reliant on me doing everything right, and having a perfect record of faith. It is completely reliant of Jesus' finished work on the cross, and I have been adopted, not because I am good enough, but because He is. 

Imagine if you will, if I did not have faith in my Jesus, I likely would not be here today. Though my fear is strong, my faith in Him helps to keep me grounded. I have thought of suicide many times over the years. I struggle with self-worth. I struggle with pain on a daily basis due to my Fibromyalgia. I often feel broken. Jesus has healed the spiritual me, but the physical me healing, that is still future. I also deal with PTSD for a variety of reasons, which makes it worse. 

COVID-19 has changed my world, and most others. The world isn't different for me because I have to stay home. The world is different because there was a sense of normalcy, and safety that doesn't actually exist. It was a false sense of security that has now been stripped away. The shadows and light of my life have now become starkly apparent. 

There is humor in the midst of sadness. There is laughter in the midst of the tears. Shadows and light. Fear for myself, and fear for my loved ones is huge. I battle with it, and sometimes I win by God's grace. Sometimes I lose. I don't give up. I don't quit. I fall, but I get back up again. I cower in fear, then stand up and refuse to give up. We are walking a hard road. Many have died, and more will. I do pray I am not one of them, that my loved ones are not either. My son's birthday just passed. We used the House Party app to talk and see his face. We couldn't and didn't gather together to celebrate. My husband and I have pre-existing conditions and we are doing all we can to remain free of this virus in order to live. 

Shadows and light. The worlds has always been full of them. I am being made to deal with my fears, and grow in my faith, and hold on to Jesus with all I am. I am being confronted with where I have been complacent, and how I rely too much on me and not enough on Him. I am growing through adversity in a way I would rather not have to, but I am trying. I am not quitting and I am not giving up. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Pandemic, Riots and Sahara Dust

-
Image
We are in the midst of a Pandemic with COVID-19, which is pretty bad. I live in a state that is seeing rising numbers, and I am isolating because I like to live. I am Diabetic, and have no desire to catch this horrible virus. Isolating is day to day hard. I am fortunate because I do have a job. That is actually helping the isolation feel slightly less mentally challenging. Most of my days are spent working and keeping my mind active.  In the midst of this pandemic, we are experiencing riots and protests becuase if the world isn't mad enough, the tension high enough, we have finally had revealed the racial bigotry that has long pervaded mankind. We might actually see some change if we can stop rioting and start talking and getting really honest about the reality of treating other differently for a variety of reasons, one of which is color of skin. Many of us have spent a full life denying there is a problem, and no we, societally, cannot do that anymore.  Now we add in Sahara D...
Read more

A New Round of Weariness

-
Image
The endless day to day weariness of dealing with isolation due to COVID-19 is often overwhelming. We downsized right at the start of this, and I am both happy and sad. Less space to roam around inside, but less to take care of too. We set up spaces in our new place to while away time and refresh ourselves, keep occupied when we are not working. We have a puzzle table, a craft room, a place to play games, and we just had new porches put on this new place, so we have those to enjoy the great outdoors. We also now live in a rural area, so we can take walks. Yet we still feel weary. Why? Human beings, for the most part, need interaction with others. We are not meant to live in isolation as solitary people. Community keeps us grounded in shared bonds. We encourage each other. We remind each other that life is meant to be shared, and that we shouldn't be selfish with time, resources, or ourselves. This lock down has many of us experiencing cabin fever. Quite a few of us, due to age, or h...
Read more

The Denial of Truth

-
Image
Since this blog is all about the Pandemic we are currently living through, how appropriate that today my subject is Truth.  Everywhere we look, in the news, in Social Media, people are struggling to know what is true, and what is a lie. It doesn't help that our President is living in denial. In a way I can kind of understand his thought on COVID-19 going away on it's own. We have had viruses before that have done this. They have raged, and then burned out, not to be seen again.  Unfortunately the truth of this virus isn't the same. Based on the scientific and medical data, this virus is still raging, continuing to mutate, and getting worse, not better. The more aggressive forms of this virus are killing off the milder strains. There was originally approximately 8 strains when it first hit the United States and now there are only 4. The more aggressive forms killed off the milder versions of the virus. That is why this is so bad. It does mean the epidemiologists have fewer s...
Read more